jul 5-24 (late game edition)

posted on July 5, 2024

(im retarded so original title was jun 5, rofl, edited)

this is gonna sound cringe cuz vidya analogy. but i feel like I’m in the late game part of life, where anything barely matters anymore since the match is close to finishing. like, just do whatever since it’ll be over soon.

i look at most past memories with fondness and nostalgia, for I am not sure if I’ll be able to match the past greatness, given the shortness of the coming future.

i think a lot about what went wrong, or what I could’ve done differently.

last year, while i was still working as a software engineer, i randomly had a high-stress period that lasted amount a month. it was rather unprompted, as there was nothing that i could discern as the main cause.

ironically enough, not being able to find the cause for a sudden anxiety spike can create a shitty feedback loop where THAT in and of itself can create even more distress.

welp. looking back at it, and trying to find a cause using hindsight, i thought of two possible things.

feeling totally aimless in life. even after having a stable job, and pretty much feeling comfortable, life felt SO FUCKING empty. like there was nothing except waking up, working for 8 hours, playing some vidya, masturbating, and fucking off to sleep. specifically, feeling like NOTHING felt exciting enough to fill that void. like i had already experienced everything life had to offer. i mean, shit, i shouldnt get a middle age crisis.
the thought of having to do the above for the rest of my miserable existence, so let’s estimate another 40 years. holy fucking shit, that’s depressing.

nowadays, i still feel a lot that way, but some things put it into perspective:

by living in a western nation, even if with a poor economy and future, i’m still afforded freedoms and many privileges. i hope this does not get worse in the future.
all things considered, ignoring the anhedonia, i have an approximately standard life. it could be WAY fuckin’ worse.

eh, guess im ranting again.