jun 30/24 (hopium)
posted on June 30, 2024
some days i just don’t wanna do anything, which is actually really bad. i don’t exactly know why, but it has probably something to do with having (or not having) an overarching purpose in life. something that permanently keeps your mind occupied on a certain task or objective.
i’d say that i’m NOT a depressed person. as far as i understand depression, it’s more of a physiological/psychological disorder. if i had to rationalize the reason why i’m fed up with everything, it’d fall into the “s’ not MY fault, it’s the world that’s garbage.”
it’s not an ego thing or saying that i’m better or above anyone, i just don’t really like how young/poor people (e.g. me) fit into the system.
maybe i just need to find that purpose in life, idk. i guess so far i’ve utterly failed (or even failed to start…) at it, since i keep pursuing a life based around chasing pleasure, cozyness, and in-the-moment sense of accomplishment.
one thing i definitely suffer from is some strain of bipolarism. i never got diagnosed (because lol), but i feel like i have some extreme mood swings pretty often. in a certain way it gives me hope because i get to feel how the highs of life feel… i just need a way to make them more balanced.
also, today i thought about how weird names (and surnames) are. i mean, your parents choose them for you, and they define what others call you for your entire life. that is, unless you decide to get a name change, which isn’t really possible in many countries. (cough cough italy)
so yeah, i guess one of the parts of your persona are outside of your control from day 0. that kinda sucks, huh?
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thank you for your kind words, anon. : )