nevermind

posted on August 16, 2024

i have a few interests that i’ve kept my entire life, and i’ll probably keep until i die. they’re kinda broad, but i guess staying in front of a computer is one of ’em.

for more niche shit, i’m thinking that it changes a ton. like, i’ve had my fair share of phases… music production phase, artsy drawing phase, gaming phase, guitar phase…

in retrospect, it’s really sad thinking that even after all those years and effort, i haven’t achieved a single remarkable thing. tbh im fairly unremarkable in everything that i do, i always feel like im either shit or around average, which isnt great if you’re a perfectionist AND insecure about your own skills. it makes getting started in anything a living hell because i fear getting judged, i fear failing, i fear sucking at it, i fear i’m wasting my time…

also, i’ve noticed that i burn out in a peculiar way. usually just before i burn out from something, i’m really fucking invested in it and think its the best thing ever. its weird. like i’ll thinking guitar is the best thing ever so for a few days im like “oh, this is cool, wtf i’ve never felt this invested into playing guitar before, imma do it non-stop” and then kaboom, im burned out and i wont pick it up for a while.

im also a walking contradiction because i have a few conflicting thoughts.

i want to be a perfectionist and good at things, which means i should spend a lot of time long-term on them and invest a ton of time+effort
i dont want too much on my plate, because otherwise my scattered brain is unable to keep up with many interests i want to foster
i’ll get burned out / bored / tired of doing the same shit, so i also want different things to keep me occupied

you can see how rationalizing it, it sounds dumb as fuck, because it is.